Turbo Kid

It’s the post-apocalyptic future of 1997. The world has been destroyed by acid rain and pollution. Now water is in short supply, but there is one man that can bring the much-needed H2O to the masses. Unfortunately, he his kind of a dick. Murdering and pillaging and straight owning motherfuckers, Zeus has a monopoly on life liquid.

When a young man and his sidekick, Apple, find out that Zeus is using a giant juicer to squeeze water from human bodies, it is up to them to stop him.

Turbo Kid was shot like a film from the 80s right down to the cheesy effects and the awesomely bad hair metal soundtrack. I haven’t had this much fun at a film since middle school when my old girlfriend let me touch her nipple during Joe’s Apartment.

Deathgasm

My parents and teachers always told me heavy metal was evil. They must have already seen Deathgasm. After watching this movie, I must agree. However, why does everybody gotta hate on awesome ass evil shit? Awesome ass evil shit needs love too!

Deathgasm is about a metal band that inadvertently unleashes hell on to Earth when they play the notes from an ancient song. Now these misfits have to make right out of wrong by choppin’ off melons of poor possessed people.

God, I love me some hardcore gore and the brutal soundtrack wasn’t bad to boot. Deathgasm has it all. Blood, tits, gore, metal, and humor. It is definitely the kind of film you want to take someone to for a first date. If they like it, then you know you’ve picked a winner. If they are freaked and/or grossed out, dump them now. They will only bring you down.

https://youtu.be/4m6BIvN3ggM

He Never Died

One of the baddest fuckin’ badasses to ever walk the Earth is Henry Rollins. That fact is indisputable. Try to dispute it and that motherfucker will murder you in your dreams — much like Freddy Krueger but more bad asser.

Surprisingly, Rollins has never headlined a film. Even though he was the frontman for Black Flag and The Rollins Band, he has always been second fiddle on the big (and small) screen. Well, He Never Died is his chance to claim some celluloid glory.

Rollins plays Jack, a man who has been around for thousands of years. Now, he mainly just plays bingo and watches a lot of TV. Oh yeah, and he is also a cannibal. He is tired of life. For him, there is nothing left. That is, until, one day a young woman shows up at his house. She is his daughter from a short-lived relationship from 19 years prior.

Now he has a daughter and a desire to eat human flesh. Luckily, he has a guy for that — an intern that works at the blood bank keeps him straight. However, when Jack’s intern ends up on the wrong end of a loan shark debt, Jack must do what he can to survive. Unfortunately, this puts the only person he remotely cares about in harm’s way.

All I can say about this film is “fuck yeah.” Check out the insane clip below.

The Invitation

Will and Eden used to be married, but after their son dies in an unexplained-yet-horrific baseball bat accident, the two could never reconnect. Eventually, they split and found new loves, but Eden and her new boyfriend, David, disappear to Mexico for two years.

Now they are back, living in the home that Will and Eden used to share and, apparently, having dinner parties. In fact, on the most recent occasion, they invite Will, his girlfriend and all of their old friends to a party. As part of his grief recovery, Will agrees to attend. When he gets to the party, however, Eden is acting strange. Don’t say crazy or the bitch will slap you.

Eden and David have discovered something that makes them happy, but Will worries it may be a cult. Let’s just say that Will is not comfortable drinking anything that resembles Kool-Aid around these two.

The whole movie has you questioning who is actually losing their mind: Will or Eden? When the bloody finale happens, you almost can’t believe the brutality of it all — but it is hella fun to watch.

Pod

No, it is not a documentary about the late 90s Christian nu-metal act. Instead, Pod is a deeply psychological, one-off about a soldier suffering from PTSD and schizophrenia. He hasn’t been able to stop gabbing about the experiments done on him by the military. Now, he believes that they sent a vicious humanoid after him to keep him quiet once and for all.

Luckily for him, he has a caring, overbearing brother and a loving, alcoholic sister. When they go to intervene in his life and get him some help, he just can’t take it. After having a breakdown, he confesses to having the creature locked inside a pod in his basement.

This is another one of those films that keep you wondering if the protagonist is insane or simply speaking the truth through a panicked gaze. If he is telling the truth, will anybody make it out alive?

https://youtu.be/hZLWjCQaClE

Do these movies look fucking crazy or what? Let me know what you think in the comments, ninjas.